Regalitos y Su Lei

Well, I haven't had any profound realizations or epiphanies lately but if I only wrote on those occasions I would possibly only write about once a month. The past few weeks some little interesting things have happened though, things that made me think or that suprised me.

The main one is that I have been getting lots of gifts from people lately. I kinda feel bad about it cuz I am not financially in the position to be returning their kindness as I just booked tickets to Ireland (Yes!!), am trying to save for my last 2 months in Spain where I will be without work and of course for a tiny, and I do mean tiny, nest egg to fill the gap for when I get home from Spain and will be looking for work once again.

But lets see, it WAS Christmas and my birthday so thats all good and normal but then the gifts continued. Monday when I went to teach at one of my elementary schools, one of the teachers who I have hardly talked to (because I truly can hardly understand him with him mumbly, raspy voice) had boughten me the Adele cd. Another teacher from my other school gave me a silver ring that is just gorgeous and I now wear everyday but for seamingly no reason at all. One of the ladies that I teach private lessons to, brought me a DVD with recorded movies in Spanish. My boyfriends family is always giving me things to borrow and to keep seemingly every week.

In my 13 months here, I have come to realize that this is a culture of gift giving. People seem to really enjoy bringing each other little gifts. So much so, that the kids in my elementary schools will sometimes ask me if I have a regalito(little present) for them completely out of the blue. And I think "Uh no. Why would I have a present for you?" But over this past year, the kids have given me so many regalitos, most of which I dont want but hey, its the thought that counts, no? Most of the time it's a little old bracelet or a broken Little Mermaid pen or a piece of disgusting candy. But I appreciate the gestures.

One day I had to stop by one of the "chinos"(little stores that have a little bit of everything run by chinese people here in Spain are called chinos) to buy a notebook when out came two of my students. Their parents owned the store and Su Lei, the littlest one, was crying because she had just lost a tooth. This pretty little chinese girl from my first grade class also happened to be one of my favorite students. I had her last year when she was in kindergarten and the kids AND teachers would say things like "she doesn't know anything, she's chinese". Yet she was born in Spain. But she still messed up her Spanish sometimes because her parents spoke little Spanish and she was constantly with her parents at work in their family-run store and they all spoke to each other in Chinese. I could identify with how the people treated her (like she was dumb for not speaking perfect Spanish) and so I kinda had a little place in my heart for her. Plus, she would always get so enthusiastic when I would show up to class and try extra hard to speak English. In fact her accent in English was much better than all the Spanish kids in class. Also, she would stare at me and play with my hair, like having long, blondish hair was just so fascinating to her. Anyhow, that day in the store I said "Su Lei, why are you crying?, Don't cry" and told her parents that I was her and her sister's English teacher. Then after I paid, the mother said "wait, Su Lei wants to give you something." She was taking her time to pick out a bracelet for me from her family's store. She handed me a bracelet and said "para ti" and then asked me what color case I wanted so that I could have a little baggy to store it in. I said "that one that you have in your hand" and she said "for to keep your bracelet in".

This all transpired in Spanish though. It was such a precious little moment for me because here she is Chinese, struggling with the language, and here I am, American, also struggling with the language, I am her English teacher, her family speaks Chinese but the only language that we both knew enough of to communicate with was Spanish. And I also feel like we both recognized (even though she's only 6) that we had a common bond. Niether of us fit in to the normal Spanish society, we both come from different, barely understood cultures, we both talk funny, and people often treat us like we are stupid because of it. That was in November that she gave me the bracelet and I have never taken it off since because for one, I love it!! Its totally my style. And two, because it really means something to me. Anyhow, I am sad to say that Su Lei never came back to school after Christmas break. The other day I finally asked Su Lei's homeroom teacher what happened to her and she said "She left. Her family disappeared without saying a word. I think they went back to China." :( :( My Su Lei. It makes me sad to think about that I didn't get to say goodbye and I have to wonder if everything is okay. I hope nothing bad happened. I also hope that she will always remember me like I will always remember her. I wear this bracelet that will always remind me of her and hopefully when she hears English or sees someone with long, blonde hair, she will think of me.

Barcelona snapshots

The supernice Australian girl at the hostel who taught me how to make paella. Yes, that's right I learned paella from an Australian.

The good-looking member of the broccoli family.

FINALLY I saw this "variety of seafood" the Spaniards always brag about. But hey, coming from the Pacific Northwest I suppose I have higher standards than most.

La Pedrera by Antoni Gaudi

Lots of interesting Mediterranean varieties at La Boqueria, a cool food only market just off the side of La Rambla.

The beautiful paella that I made along side the australian girl for the people at the hostel. 4 euros a plate I think it was and that included a beer or glass of wine.

Me and Juliana at Parque Guell.

Juliana and her sister Alesya with La Sagrada familia en the background.

Pretty sure they told me this was dragonfruit, more pretty than delicious. Like a kiwi but a lot less tang. I prefer tang!!

Pretty Catalan building

Casa Batlo'

Cool rock balcony at Parque Guell

Barcelona waterfront, not bad for winter, eh?

Michael Jackson glovin up for a street performance.

These were all the street performers we saw along La Rambla the day we walked it looking at crafts and people watching.

Parque Guell

el Parque Guell, Barcelona

Gaudi

Pardon the cheesy music but it was the only semi-appropriate style to show the beauty, creativity and details of Gaudi's work that the flip camara provided me with.

Light show with songs in Catalan, Barcelona

Just about everything in Barcelona is posted in Catalan which to me sounds like a mix between Spanish and French. Even the light show there played all of its songs in Catalan.

the Gothic quarters of Barcelona

A glimpse of the Gothic quarters at night in Barcelona

La Sagrada Familia

Here is Gaudi's unfinished masterpiece, La Sagrada Famila in Barcelona. I suppose they'll run out of room and have to finish it someday but as for now, Gaudi's plans are still slowly in the works. If you are interested in a brief history on the building... http://www.aviewoncities.com/barcelona/sagradafamilia.htm

Foreigner Burnout

3 months in and I think its time to admit that I am suffering from what you might call a foreigner burnout. Not sure what else to call it but I have just found myself sick (2 weeks with a sinus infection), mentally exhausted, out of place, lonely and misunderstood. It may have something to do with the holidays and being away from all my friends and family and then spending it with someone else's friends and family where I have to make a constant effort to integrate into a new group of people but also using another language that I am basically only 2 years of age in. It takes a lot of effort sometimes to be a part of conversations and to make yourself understood in another language. On top of that, there are such cultural differences sometimes that even in my native language, it would be hard to make people understand where I am coming from sometimes.

If I am feeling good emotionally, physically, etc and have a high energy level I can last a good 24 hours surrounded by Spaniards (referring to larger groups) and speaking only Spanish in a social situation but after that, my energy goes on a swift decline. I find myself not able to put the effort into making conversation with people. I get quiet and tired and basically get this itch to have my own space and time away. I am normally an extraverted person, meaning that my energy is boosted from interactions with people and the more the better. Now I might be experiencing what it's like for some people who are introverted but on a grander scale. It's almost a life or death situation if I don't get time away to recharge my battery. It's like I hit the "wall" and once that happens there is no "second wind" or hope for the situation to improve. The only thing I can do is spend some time either with someone like Juliana or Jesus or completely alone. Thats the only way to recouperate the good attitude that I strive SO hard to have. And man, do I strive hard to have it.

I try to make conversations and give people compliments or ask them questions and smile and laugh at jokes that I am not even 100 % sure that I am understanding. I listen to people say super weird things that I would never normally let go by me without making a point or giving another perspective on the topic to balance the negativity or ignorance a little. And the worst part of it all is that sometimes I actually get mad and then I am trying to explain my point, annoyed by what someone has said, then adding frustration from not being able to word things the right way on top of that and then feeling more upset because I know I am coming across as a mix between mad, frustrated, ackward and still, not getting my point across. It feels like a huge waste of energy and I dont know if its worth the trouble to express my opinion here. Like the quote "better to keep quiet and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove it."

Although I am not a fool, to them it sure must seem like it when I open my mouth with all my passionate view points but without the eloquence of language mastery. And I don't even want to think about the accent that I have and what that might add to the perception of those around me. I am forced by my language limitations into being a different person.

And the worst part of it all, is that I will NEVER be the same intellectual age in Spanish as I am in English so there will always be a discrepency between how I am able to behave and express myself in the world of Spanish. These are things that I just never considered for some reason. I thought, "oh just give me a year or two and I will be practically fluent and things will just be fabulous and I will be so proud of myself." Ba hahaha!! What a joke that has turned out to be. Maybe for some people this is true but for someone like myself who is a strange sweatpant wearin, possibly white trash version of a perfectionist, I have realized that I will NEVER be proud of myself or happy with my level of Spanish because that is not my nature. I see the flaws more easily than I see the successes. Its a sad way of living, in a way, but it also pushes me to do and learn new things. It forces me to push the envelope and see what I am capable of, but then again what is the good in that if you can't even enjoy your own successes. I suppose I am once again struggling to find a balance.

What spawned this blog entry was the fact that I am on Christmas vakay from work and have been spending lots of time with Jesus' family and then went to Barcelona for 3 days where I spent the entire time speaking in English. Juliana invited me to go with her and her sister who are originally from Belarus and moved to the U.S. when Juliana was 10 years old. Also in our group was her sister's new boyfriend, who is from France and has also lived in the U.S. about 15 years, the boyfriend's cousin who is from Canada but of French and Japanese parents and who speaks 5 different languages, and the boyfriend's brother who lives in France and is studying to be a doctor and who speaks very good English. So, needless to say we were with quite an interesting group of people and the common language that we were all strongest in as a whole, basically, was English. Those three days I had such a good time joking around in English. Its amazing how EASY it is to speak your native language compared to the thought, effort and struggle that comes with learning another language.

In Spanish, however, I feel like I am just lacking so much in terms of expression that it almost hurts not to be able to feel what I am saying and have others really feel me. If I dont find a solution, I would say that it will reach a point of being unhealthy from a psychological perspective. It is something too essential to our being but something that we SO unintentionally take for granted...the ability to feel the words we are using and expressing ourselves so that others really feel us too. Whether it be humor, sarcasm, joy, anger, love, sympathy, assertiveness, strength, disbelief or the endless gamat of emotions one feels from moment to moment, expression is what helps us manage our feelings. And what are the means of communication that overwhelmingly surpass the rest???? Words... and how we choose or are taught to use them. It's a powerful powerful thing deeply engrained in our psyches. Why do you think it feels so good to say certain words? It therepeutic and empowering.

Thus, people without the saavyness or physical or mental ability to express themselves with words are at a clear disadvantage in just about any society they live in. And this may or may not have anything to do with what is going on inside a person's brain. Although I come from a large and fairly articulate and entertaining family, have a degree in psychology, am a certified personal trainer, done more different types of jobs than anyone I know, am learning to play the guitar, have spent my whole life playing sports competitively, and so on and so on, I am able to express only a small percentage of who I am and what I have experienced. You don't realize the amount of necessary vocabulary that goes into certain conversations. And it turns out that I actually enjoy talking about science, recipes, sports, music, theories, psychology, nutrition and humor (which is a whole nother issue) quite a bit. But everytime I open my mouth to share something I know, it turns into a vocabulary or grammar lesson where I have to ask how to say something or get corrected or have people look at me with a furrowed brow and a confused look on their face. Again, lost in translation.

The moral of the story is that the next time you meet a foreigner, someone who struggles with the language or who has a funny accent, think to yourself, "maybe there is much more to this person than what meets the eye." Instead of thinking "they really need to work on their English or I can hardly understand what the hell they are talking about", think about the fact that they will NEVER have the same level as they do in their native language and you are only seeing them in another language where they are struggling. For all you know, they could be a Bill Gates in their native language or in their mental abilities but without the ability to express it through language. So take a moment to acknowlege and appreciate the effort they are making to learn to express themselves all over again just to be able to speak to people like you. And maybe make a little extra effort yourself when reciprocating that communication. Maybe slow down a little and think about what that person might really be trying to say or express. And think to yourself, like they say in yoga "namaste" or I recognize the light in you." Trust me, it will all come across and it will be apreciated. A bible quote actually comes to mind that could relate to this topic....

Hebrews 13:2
Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by doing that some have
entertained angels without knowing it.