3 months in and I think its time to admit that I am suffering from what you might call a foreigner burnout. Not sure what else to call it but I have just found myself sick (2 weeks with a sinus infection), mentally exhausted, out of place, lonely and misunderstood. It may have something to do with the holidays and being away from all my friends and family and then spending it with someone else's friends and family where I have to make a constant effort to integrate into a new group of people but also using another language that I am basically only 2 years of age in. It takes a lot of effort sometimes to be a part of conversations and to make yourself understood in another language. On top of that, there are such cultural differences sometimes that even in my native language, it would be hard to make people understand where I am coming from sometimes.
If I am feeling good emotionally, physically, etc and have a high energy level I can last a good 24 hours surrounded by Spaniards (referring to larger groups) and speaking only Spanish in a social situation but after that, my energy goes on a swift decline. I find myself not able to put the effort into making conversation with people. I get quiet and tired and basically get this itch to have my own space and time away. I am normally an extraverted person, meaning that my energy is boosted from interactions with people and the more the better. Now I might be experiencing what it's like for some people who are introverted but on a grander scale. It's almost a life or death situation if I don't get time away to recharge my battery. It's like I hit the "wall" and once that happens there is no "second wind" or hope for the situation to improve. The only thing I can do is spend some time either with someone like Juliana or Jesus or completely alone. Thats the only way to recouperate the good attitude that I strive SO hard to have. And man, do I strive hard to have it.
I try to make conversations and give people compliments or ask them questions and smile and laugh at jokes that I am not even 100 % sure that I am understanding. I listen to people say super weird things that I would never normally let go by me without making a point or giving another perspective on the topic to balance the negativity or ignorance a little. And the worst part of it all is that sometimes I actually get mad and then I am trying to explain my point, annoyed by what someone has said, then adding frustration from not being able to word things the right way on top of that and then feeling more upset because I know I am coming across as a mix between mad, frustrated, ackward and still, not getting my point across. It feels like a huge waste of energy and I dont know if its worth the trouble to express my opinion here. Like the quote "better to keep quiet and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove it."
Although I am not a fool, to them it sure must seem like it when I open my mouth with all my passionate view points but without the eloquence of language mastery. And I don't even want to think about the accent that I have and what that might add to the perception of those around me. I am forced by my language limitations into being a different person.
And the worst part of it all, is that I will NEVER be the same intellectual age in Spanish as I am in English so there will always be a discrepency between how I am able to behave and express myself in the world of Spanish. These are things that I just never considered for some reason. I thought, "oh just give me a year or two and I will be practically fluent and things will just be fabulous and I will be so proud of myself." Ba hahaha!! What a joke that has turned out to be. Maybe for some people this is true but for someone like myself who is a strange sweatpant wearin, possibly white trash version of a perfectionist, I have realized that I will NEVER be proud of myself or happy with my level of Spanish because that is not my nature. I see the flaws more easily than I see the successes. Its a sad way of living, in a way, but it also pushes me to do and learn new things. It forces me to push the envelope and see what I am capable of, but then again what is the good in that if you can't even enjoy your own successes. I suppose I am once again struggling to find a balance.
What spawned this blog entry was the fact that I am on Christmas vakay from work and have been spending lots of time with Jesus' family and then went to Barcelona for 3 days where I spent the entire time speaking in English. Juliana invited me to go with her and her sister who are originally from Belarus and moved to the U.S. when Juliana was 10 years old. Also in our group was her sister's new boyfriend, who is from France and has also lived in the U.S. about 15 years, the boyfriend's cousin who is from Canada but of French and Japanese parents and who speaks 5 different languages, and the boyfriend's brother who lives in France and is studying to be a doctor and who speaks very good English. So, needless to say we were with quite an interesting group of people and the common language that we were all strongest in as a whole, basically, was English. Those three days I had such a good time joking around in English. Its amazing how EASY it is to speak your native language compared to the thought, effort and struggle that comes with learning another language.
In Spanish, however, I feel like I am just lacking so much in terms of expression that it almost hurts not to be able to feel what I am saying and have others really feel me. If I dont find a solution, I would say that it will reach a point of being unhealthy from a psychological perspective. It is something too essential to our being but something that we SO unintentionally take for granted...the ability to feel the words we are using and expressing ourselves so that others really feel us too. Whether it be humor, sarcasm, joy, anger, love, sympathy, assertiveness, strength, disbelief or the endless gamat of emotions one feels from moment to moment, expression is what helps us manage our feelings. And what are the means of communication that overwhelmingly surpass the rest???? Words... and how we choose or are taught to use them. It's a powerful powerful thing deeply engrained in our psyches. Why do you think it feels so good to say certain words? It therepeutic and empowering.
Thus, people without the saavyness or physical or mental ability to express themselves with words are at a clear disadvantage in just about any society they live in. And this may or may not have anything to do with what is going on inside a person's brain. Although I come from a large and fairly articulate and entertaining family, have a degree in psychology, am a certified personal trainer, done more different types of jobs than anyone I know, am learning to play the guitar, have spent my whole life playing sports competitively, and so on and so on, I am able to express only a small percentage of who I am and what I have experienced. You don't realize the amount of necessary vocabulary that goes into certain conversations. And it turns out that I actually enjoy talking about science, recipes, sports, music, theories, psychology, nutrition and humor (which is a whole nother issue) quite a bit. But everytime I open my mouth to share something I know, it turns into a vocabulary or grammar lesson where I have to ask how to say something or get corrected or have people look at me with a furrowed brow and a confused look on their face. Again, lost in translation.
The moral of the story is that the next time you meet a foreigner, someone who struggles with the language or who has a funny accent, think to yourself, "maybe there is much more to this person than what meets the eye." Instead of thinking "they really need to work on their English or I can hardly understand what the hell they are talking about", think about the fact that they will NEVER have the same level as they do in their native language and you are only seeing them in another language where they are struggling. For all you know, they could be a Bill Gates in their native language or in their mental abilities but without the ability to express it through language. So take a moment to acknowlege and appreciate the effort they are making to learn to express themselves all over again just to be able to speak to people like you. And maybe make a little extra effort yourself when reciprocating that communication. Maybe slow down a little and think about what that person might really be trying to say or express. And think to yourself, like they say in yoga "namaste" or I recognize the light in you." Trust me, it will all come across and it will be apreciated. A bible quote actually comes to mind that could relate to this topic....
Hebrews 13:2
Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by doing that some have
entertained angels without knowing it.
